1-13-09 – The hypotenuse of DEATH!!!

Biff takes a stroll through the neighborhood, via the hypotenuse of death. Some other shit, too.

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World of Warcraft: miniatures game

This is what you display in your house if you feel that a sign reading: “I’ve given up on ever seeing a vagina in person” just doesn’t quite get the point across.

The last “toys of the season” I think

I planned to end this series around Christmas, but I’ve been cruising the clearance isles and I’ve found some more real winners. These are all along the same lines so I’ll include them on one post, but I will give you separate jokes for each. So that makes you the big winner! Let me know which you prefer

Toy Washing Machine: Can be found in the isle marked “Honor your culture by promoting sex-based sterotypes”

 

My first Ironing Board: “Cause you get more money for the child-slaves that are already trained”

 

Another Toy Washing Machine: “Don’t get caught without a back-up plan if the misses escapes the basement”

1-6-09 – Daryl’s HDHD

Daryl’s ADHD is so vivid it’s HDHD. We also touched on 911, & multi-use electronics.

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Time Lapse – Awe-Inspiring or Puke-Inducing?

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I’m not sure what it is about time lapse, but it amazes me & freaks me out @ the same time. You ever get that feeling? Take the above video, for example. The views are awe-inspiring. Simply, crazy nature views that Man cannot make, no matter how hard we try. On the other hand, it’s like standing still & watching life fly-by. It actually makes me nauseous, slightly dizzy. Now, don’t confuse this w/ motion sickness. I don’t (I’m gonna say typically, for fear of karma) get motion sick. I’ve been drunk, riding waves on the front of a 3-story, floating bar/boat. I’ve enjoyed several free-fall drops from 300-feet up (poorman’s skydive). I’ve done this for a living. . .

I don’t like roller coasters; not b/c the ride makes me sick, but b/c my stomach starts turning in line. You see, my body is a machine. It has been trained for 3 very important scenarios – horizontal (sleeping or fucking), standing still (eating), motion (relax & enjoy the ride). I don’t know how to stand still for 2 hours & not eat – it don’t work that way.
Bottom line is this. . . time lapse makes me want to throw-up. WHY?! Please, if you have any idea, comment, & let me know.

Begin the War of the Inappropriate Cakes

Okay, so last week my buddy Devious Daryl posted a couple of pictures he took of cakes that look like meat.  One was ham, the other turkey.  I guess the theory is there are hame people & turkey people, so this covers both.  I’m not sure if the turkey has white cake & dark cake sections, but I do know it IS a bakery cake.

I believe that I have just stumbled upon (Literally) the meat cake that defeats the ham & turkey cakes (maybe @ the same time).

MEAT CAKE

Since I’m new @ the whole blogging thing, I’m not sure what the standard operating procedure is for pics & credit. So, if you want to leave me a comment about whether I should have posted the pics & given credit or if the link was fine, please do so.

Take THAT Devious Daryl’s meat cakes!!!

New Year’s Eve’s Eve

Christmas, the Chuck Norris of mustaches, no Biff.

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This must be stopped

Billy mays is now selling life insurance! I have no idea for what company or if it was a good deal, i was too busy waiting to hear what kind of orange juicer/tampon cleaner i was gonna get for free if i ordered in the next 20 minutes! For what ever company it was, it was a bad move to hire mr. mays. I’m sorry, i’m not buying something as important as life insurance from the guy that pushes “mighty putty”. Some people have a voice and delivery that is soothing and inspires confidence, like Morgan Freeman*. Then there are people who are meant to star in half hour commercials, with lower production values than porn, which only exist to take advantage insomniac-shop-a-holics, Meth-addicts, stoned college kids, and those of us who are desperate to watch anything that can take our minds off whatever irrehensible acts we just masterbated to. You can’t let these people push items you actually need. Suzanne Summers can’t go from doing cooter crunchs to promoting Children’s Car seats. I wouldn’t trust that bitch with my pet rock, much less my kid. Tony Little can’t be the face of a Security System/Fire-alarm, that fucker hasn’t been able to figure out how to use a mirror since ‘85, how is he gonna know how to protect my family. Vince the “ShamWow” guy can’t sell me prostate medication! Yeah, the Germans have made some good stuff, you know what else they’ve made?…concentration camps! I don’t want my rags coming from Germany or my erections! And why in the fuck are you wearing that headset? You can’t have to many important things going on that your hands can’t be bothered with holding a phone! Besides if this bitch can’t figure out a “bluetooth” earpiece how can we trust his opinion on any new technology….I just figured it out, he’s got the headset on, because he’s on his break from “old navy”. Sham-Wow money can’t pay for all that hair gel!….If Billy Mays was holding an FDA approved cancer vaccine, I’d think twice before I bought it! I’d figure I’d be able to get it as the free gift with his AIDS vaccine 6 months from now!

 

* Morgan Freeman dosn’t talk, he radiates auditory warm hugs. Everything sounds better when Morgan freeman says it. Morgan Freeman could narrate my execution for a crime i didn’t commit, and when they through the switch, I’d be glad they didn’t find the real killer. Morgan Freeman could stand up in crowded 747 and scream “Praise Allah” and the passengers would just fucking cheer!

I’m ashamed

His ESPN spots, are kinda making me like Billy Mays. I will punish him for that!

Devious Daryl’s 5th nominee for “Toy of the Season” Mcdonalds play set

 

Sure you may see this as Mathematics/Life-Skills teaching device cleverly disguised as toy children will want to use because of it’s association with a popular eating establishment. However, think of how easily it could be misinterpreted as a statement about someone’s child future employment prospects.